Is facebook giving me an alternate consciousness -one far less competent or independent? why am i thinking/doing anything in terms of audience?
Luckily my blogs don't have that kind of delusional grandeur. I know nobody looks at the blogs, based on statistical data I can look at. Only very random, mostly failed google searches. It's very freeing....not that I don't still have an inner monologue that speaks as if acting out a part, I do...but there's something uniquely symbolic in my life to the act of performing for an empty theatre. That truth started for me when I realized that I wasn't being watched all the time, by a god, by the government (knock knock...the pun reverses the purposeful result), or by anyone as long as I was able to be alone.
It's realizing you're alone, while still entertaining the feeling that there's someone watching. And there is, the (false) Self.
I do not like the blogs as my form of keeping a journal or diary. I don't know why I've taken to this modality. The obvious answer is course, ease and speed and multi-media aspect of it....and I like glowing pixels. But I miss the books I once poured into. Even if I rarely finished one page for page. The feeling of paper and ink and paint, and the weight of a book.
Afterthought: It's the moments in life where you loose this sense of voyeurism of the ego -that it's looking back at itself- where you truly live. Emptiness, sunyata, what have you...it's the void -the singularity that observes and does not observe itself, that is the true Self, peeled of the conscious layers until left naked and unquestioning. No mirror, no projection. Just subject.
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